Is it possible to have a relationship without argument? Kregg and I delve into the pluses and minuses of disagreement.
Boldly galloping through the culture – western culture, at least – gaining currency is the idea that marriage is over. Singlehood is now explained as anything from the choice of sophisticates to the best way of finding happiness, thereby making it the default choice of more or less anyone who either can’t be bothered to marry or doesn’t know how.
The jump that this horse always neatly trots around is why it is that we’ve begun to turn our back on marriage; balked at the jump if you like. Proponents of universal singlehood assume that divorce is inevitable for a large number of married people and that this is only likely to worsen. The evidence provided is that divorce rate of anywhere from 40% to 60%, numbers that do not differentiate between first, second or third marriages, age, the presence of children and so on. It’s a big number, so it must be right. Right?
But the true number is irrelevant because it reflects a marital culture based on the behaviour of amateurs. Over sixty years or so, society has created a vision of marriage based on false premises, ideas that best serve advertisers, media and specific political operatives. The false premises include, but are not limited to:
- marriage can be successful at any age
- marriage is based on love
- marriage is based on feelings
- marriage is the end of the dating process, not the beginning of something
- marriage is not about getting what you want
- individual difficulties can be worked out inside marriage
- initial compatibility can overcome later problems
…and so on.
We are amateurs at marriage because we have the arrogance to think we know what marriage is all about, like it’s a genetically transmitted skill. We give it about as much thought as buying a new car or creating an Instagram account, and oftentimes a whole lot less. Critical thinking almost never pops into our deliberation, and why would it: Love conquers all.
So because they (ie: the abovementioned sponsors) judge marriage based on the decisions and subsequent divorces of shallow-thinking instant gratifiers, the wisdom becomes that remaining single is better.
It’s the same idea as expecting Olympic-quality performances from athletes who train with a tv remote in their hands. Let’s not ditch marriage because the participants are lazy, dopey, poorly advised, misguided, misanthropic, selfish, desperate or easily fooled. We are the problem, not marriage.
In this podcast we look at one example of dealing with the realities of relationships, not the idealized fantasies. Facing the truth might be more difficult but will ultimately reward us. This worksheet might be handy.
All of us tend to do one of 5 things with interpersonal realities; the trick is to find our way to acceptance and beyond, and not stall earlier.