Talking About Sex: Podcast #16

Men talk about sex in the same way they talk about their fears, which is to say not at all. Here, with some sweeping generalizations, I redress that. But I am afraid to tell you how.

It’s OK

We talk about dating as if it’s a fait accompli, that everyone is looking for someone. Say it is not so, Hortense, because it isn’t; not every singleton out there is on the prowl.

This is another case of the coupled gently pressuring the uncoupled. They, The Togethers, say things like:

So, what are you doing to find someone?


Gosh, I know this person who’d be great for you.

or even

Aren’t you lonely?

Ummmm, nothing, not interested and no, actually. (This being the opposite of that horrid movie “Love Actually” which was nothing about love or actuality.) Sometimes people are content to be unattached, and that’s that.

They’ll emerge in their own good time.

Destination or Road Trip?

Karen Nyberg

There appears to be a large number of single folks who think of dating as a permanent state of being. For them, heading out (or staying in) with consecutive new people is the reason for dating. I can only guess that at some point they figure one of them will stick, and they’ll work it out from there.

The analogy that comes to mind is that of the International Space Station. The hardy souls who spend up to a year whizzing around the joint in a glorified tin can seem pretty happy, and no doubt it’s an awesome experience. Eventually though, they must come back down to earth.

Not least among the problems of long-term micro-gravity are the effects on the human body. Bone loss, muscle atrophy, fluid redistribution and – interestingly – an inability to cry freely (because the tears glob together) are all well documented.

Of course, if you are happy in the dating milieu, go for it. Indeed, if you’re in that sweet-spots of being less than 25, or over 50,  lots of dating is a good thing. But it’s worth noting that coming back down to earth for a serial dater might be painful. Commitment is much like gravity, in that it does restrict you and it does require effort to overcome.

However. Our minds and bodies were designed to be under gravity’s influence. Both our mental and physical health are maximized here on earth. I make the case that being coupled has the same effect…in the long term, that is, even if the view is incredible from up there.

* The photo is of Astronaut Karen Nyberg. I guess the credit belongs to NASA, and I apologize if that is not the case.


The unifying theme of most self-help is to start with a goal. Most western-style self-help, that is – Buddhism might be less inclined to something so definitive.

And yet it appears that the only clearly articulated intent of most daters, singletons like me, is to “find the right person.” Sure, it’s a fine aim, but what would Anthony Robbins think? Is that really the kind of chiseled-in-marble motivator that gets anyone up in the morning?

I think not.

We need to figure out exactly what we want. Precision is the mother of a good fit.

I just made that up.

The Love is Hotter…

…on the other side of the fence.

The new person fires our imagination. Would that be because we can project anything we like onto them? A newlymet is, after all, the ultimate blank canvas.

With a new person:

+ there’s no evidence of any likely discord,

+ no memories of past disappointment, and

+ no track record of distasteful behavior.

Better yet, this amazing newbie is bound to be more in tune with my sexual needs. They’re certain to know – without being guided – what I like, and will automatically avoid what doesn’t turn me on. Oh, yeah, we’re gonna click like the tumblers in a Chubb safe.

This person, about whom I know nothing, is my future.