To be a better date, we need to be a better date.
In other words, if we want others to be sufficiently interested in us to see us more than once, cultivating our skills as a social animal is paramount.
Let’s turn this back on itself and ask the question:
Would you want to date you?
From here at age 52, the world is different than it was at 32 and certainly than at 22. My insight is that the world – and here I’m talking about the world of dating – actually isn’t much changed. I changed.
The distinction is important. Experience of life gave me perspective. People coming together in relationships of variable length, intimacy and depth is a process that doesn’t change much. Yes, there are shifts of emphasis and changes of fashion but the idea is always the same; there are biological imperatives and social constructs into which we fit them.
By social constructs I mean monogamous sexual relationships, especially marriage. Designed originally to provide a secure basis for raising children, it seems we like them beyond that narrow mission.
As the reproductive urge fades (or the possibility disappears) we’re left with couples creating deep links to each other and sex for fun. Without the piquancy of the possibility of pregnancy, the comfort and satisfaction of a committed relationship and the physical closeness that comes with it still motivate us.
Here’s the difference: When a guy says he’s thinking about nothing in particular, he is likely telling the truth. We spend a variable but oftentimes large amount of our time mentally lying on the couch; floating, if you will, around our headspace.
When a woman says she has nothing on her mind, she’s probably not being quite so honest. Even whilst idling ladies are thinking about something. Frankly I cannot tell you what, because when I ask female friends about this, they become evasive. If I were in a closer relationship with these women, I imagine they’d be more forthcoming. Being a non-partner and a male, they are more reticent to let me in.
Men who want accord in their relationships with women learn to cajole information from their partners. It takes time and trust. She needs to feel, well, like she’s being taken seriously.
Awareness of the fact of women’s mental restlessness and their need for security is a good start to finding a communications harmony.
Eons of evolution and countless generations bring us to modern man. Me.
Modern man has a few software macros that operate all the time in the background while we go about our daily business. These are the base animal skills, the flight or flight instinct, the stuff of survival. Controlling them would be the same as attempting to control an ostrich; there is no point because you cannot.
One of these background routines is the woman detector. The woman detector is a visual program wherein every women who comes into view is assessed, judged, compared and categorized. She is assessed first for shape and size, then clothing and appearance, and then for availability. Almost instantly we determine if she is of interest or not, and whether she’s worth a second look.
That’s it. Men are walking, talking, driving Woman Scanners. The scanner at the supermarket scans for barcodes. We scan for hips, legs, breasts, waist, face, hair, shoes, skirts, makeup, jewelry, tattoos, piercings and a wedding band. So powerful is the instinct to scope out the lady population, I will detour while driving to cruise through the court/legal district, because that’s where the best-dressed woman are found.
All this for absolutely no payoff, other than the pleasure of filling our heads with possibility.
About being a man: the thrill of discovery fades a little over time, but not much.
When you’re a teenager and first slipping your hands under blouses, everything is unfamiliar.
Now, the expectancy is tempered by experience; you know what you’re about to get.
However, a new woman rejuvenates the explorer’s wanderlust, adding to the thrill and thereby amping up the experience to near-teenage levels. Role-play can have the same effect.