I want to be understood.
I want you to tune into my wavelength.
It would be great if you could see our universe through my eyes.
Ideally, you’d know what I’m thinking before I say it.
If you could do all those things, you’d get me.
Getting me is tough, isn’t it?
I don’t think getting me is tough, but you probably think the same way.
Getting people is tricky. Getting you is what it’s all about.
When experts say things like Giving your sig oth room inside a relationship is more important than the sex it’s time to take notice.
Can it be true, that the distance between us is more valuable to our couplehood than our physical intimacy?
Kregg and I fool about with the idea.
Here’s Kregg’s website, too.
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Occasionally – very occasionally – I see a glimmer of hope that we have a chance at understanding each other.
At work last week, a woman blurted out:
Oh, I understand; he’s in his nothing box.
I nearly cheered.
With one declaration, one woman proved to me that she understood that her husband (the man to whom she was referring) had his mind in neutral, effectively idling away doing not much of anything. That’s the nothing box. The nothing box is the place we go to when there’s nothing much grabbing our attention. When there’s nothing worth thinking about, we do nothing. Yes, ladies, men are really that simple.
The nothing box is invaluable because of the way we think about stuff. We need that time with our minds going nowhere because of the energy it takes when we are in gear. If we were to be in forward motion all the time, we’d burn out.
But that’s a topic for anther time. The key is that the lady understood that her man being in nothing box mode was no reflection on his relationship with her; it is simply the way he was built.
And that was, and should be, enough.
Natural to us all is the assumption that the person next to us will see things the same way we do.
Can you see where I’m going to find the hole in this presumption?
That’s right; I’m a bloke, so that if you’re a woman, you by definition will think differently.
Advantage there for the taking: if you’re looking for better communication, think like the other sex. We can’t do this all the time, and it’s needed most when we’re on the hunt for understanding, but it’s a practice worth practising.
We’re not necessarily interested in unanimity, more like the recognition that what seems blindingly obvious to me will not be as clear to you, Hortense.
Perhaps it’s not so much a point of view reversal, as a listening direction reversal.
We’re under the misapprehension that change can come quickly. Here I’m talking about altering the way we humans observe, synthesize and react to each other.
My opinion is that much of how that works is set very early in life; before puberty, certainly.
Yes, if we choose to change ourselves – to make in internal makeover – things can happen. That, however, can modify the way we view people and circumstance, and how we react to people and circumstance. That’s all.
What self-delta doesn’t do is to change our DNA, our modelling, our prior experience and our previous reactions. All of these mitigate against big change, now.
So leopards don’t change their spots, you say, what’s new? What can be new is noting that fact. Acknowledgment of what’s pretty much set inside our head leaves us with realistic expectation of ourselves…and others.
Self-change change is not so much changing as manoeuvring around what’s already fixed. Doesn’t that sound more do-able?