There’s no telling when it will happen, but it will happen. The person you chose will reveal their most annoying habit, that one reservoir of behavior that will push your button every time.

Good dating protocols will prevent the worst of this, but everyone has a pool of stuff we’re gonna hate. Knowing that you dislike people who are dismissive of servants or road ragers or enjoy launching zingers is one thing; choosing to not couple with them is another. And yet one more thing is discovering that the person sleeping next to you has, out of nowhere, found an entirely new way to raise your blood pressure and prepare¬† you for war.

This is the risk of coupling, the stuff we think we can extrapolate from what we’ve observed, but cannot truly know until we’re committed. That’s the downside of accepting the upside and downside of someone.

My advice is simple: you must face them with your rage. In your weekly “No Repercussions Chat” or at the time you have predetermined you can open up to each other, you must vocalize what’s happening. If you don’t, it means you don’t care about yourself, your other half nor your relationship.

Talking about what launches your emotions has a funny way of muting them thereafter. And what do you have to lose? Nothing.

Podcast #81 Give Me Room!

When experts say things like Giving your sig oth room inside a relationship is more important than the sex it’s time to take notice.

Can it be true, that the distance between us is more valuable to our couplehood than our physical intimacy?

Kregg and I fool about with the idea.

Here’s Kregg’s website, too.

Room To Breathe

None of us think of relationships this way, but the courtesy of allowing room for the other to be who they are forms a lifelong framework, if we so choose.

What does “allowing room” mean?

Well, Hortense, room equates to latitude and understanding. Within the boundaries of law, morality, etiquette and goodwill, women should allow men to be men, and men should allow women to be women. Observing our specific mate’s version of malehood or femalehood is part of learning about them.

What does ” (being) who they are” mean?

Being who they are is the characteristic and integral behavior of each sex. Women and men are different, and understanding them from the perspective of the other can be difficult, and, in extreme cases, fatal for a relationship. Finding a way to rejoice in the differences and to be at one with our opposite is finding peace with who our mate is.

Acceptance; finding a way to want what is mostly for the good is a fine way to progress through life with someone.

Siege Engine

The middle ages must have been a boom time for Home Depot and Lowes. Royalty of every rank built castles; castles with strong walls, moats and general defence in mind.

If you were a sufficiently wealthy royal, you’d join with your king or queen and they would find castles of other royals – loyal to other kings or queens – that he or she figured were vulnerable. Or had in some way interfered with their estates or bruised their knee or something.

The point is that alliances were constantly shifting. Intrigue and grasping for power was the way they operated, the drive that kept those with the resources motivated.

Being a royal subject anchored a lot of everyday folk. Allegiance wasn’t lightly undertaken, and often the cost was high. Fighting for the perceived common aim formed the backbone of many lives, particularly the men.

This might come as a surprise to women, but men still want to ally themselves, and with one special woman…one they consider to be special. Men are commonly thought to be flighty when it comes to loyalty, but evidence is mounting (if you’ll pardon the expression) that this is not an accurate characterization. We want to be an equal and different half in an equal relationship, but the whole idea appears to be slipping away from us. We’re under siege, and we’re not quite sure why, nor what happened.

Yes, men must be admirable to be admired, but that effort is only worth the sacrifice if we’re admired by someone we think will be there for us.

All Change

Coupling up is an optimistic act for the future, moderated by expectations. No matter how clear our vision of the ideal mate, we still have to deal with the reality, a real person.

Real people change. Time and events modify the way we see pretty much everything, including ourselves, and part of sticking with someone is awareness of actual and perceived change.

One of my hopes is for someone who understands this change phenomenon, and how we’re both going to be different tomorrow from today, next year from this. Life is deceptive in this area, because we think we view life changing around us while we remain solidly anchored, like someone watching a movie.¬† In fact, we’re all changing in different ways all the time, at different speeds. No material entity has a permanent mooring; that’s the job of spiritual pursuits.

Not all change will be good, naturally. Finding ways to communicate that we’re noticing things move along, both inside and outside the relationship, might be one of those critical foundational functions that make it easier to stick together.

Notice and report. Communication and feedback.