Men operate in a peculiarly ill-defined world when it comes to attracting women. We have vague ideas of what it takes. Unfortunately, they are often as vague as United Nations resolutions, and with about as much basis in reality.

The disadvantage from which men work is that we grab ideas and stick with them. We hear that women like scruffy men, so we neglect shaving for a while. Then someone says that what women really want is the strong, silent type, and so we run silent, run deep. Waiting in the dentist’s office, the Cosmo magazine informs us that the only way to get chicks is to emulate their father, so we go buy a Buick.

If you could devise a beast to do the opposite of what works, you would arrive at the man described, above. The wonder is that he ever gets within a swords-length of a woman, let alone anything closer.

But we do get to be around and with women, despite the bad ideas. Something works for us…but we never truly know what. It’s like opening the page of the Oxford English Dictionary – all 15,490 pages of it – and finding precisely the right word. It’s a miracle.