Coupling: Podcast #17

Take a ramble with me through the thickets of coupling, from meeting and dating to engaging and marrying.

2 Replies to “Coupling: Podcast #17”

  1. Hello Wombat,

    I’m not sure how I feel about the last podcast. Unfortunately, I don’t think a marriage contract ensures fidelity, nor a desire to actually grow. It can perhaps help to define and set intentions. As you say, with mindfulness, a lot can be achieved. But, I had men in marriages flirt with me like if they were free, or looking for a mistress. One man actually admitted to me that after consideration, the best is to have a wife and a mistress. So, I don’t think this idea about a man stopping “to look” actually gets resolved in marriage. I think it comes down to how committed the two people are to personal growth. How the two are committed to honesty and good communication. And just that is huge. How willing they are to be vulnerable. Another biggey. You can have two people with great intentions, but they hit a major block, and don’t know how to tend to it, or even realize that they have to tend to it. Life is one long mysterious road of surprising opportunities for growth and transformation, and sometimes its the mistakes that teach us the most. Sometimes, the repeated mistakes… until you wake up and are actually able to acknowledge and see the problem. Some people could be committed to the “idea” of growth, but don’t know how to actually meet it when it comes their way. It depends why that relationship was created too. Sometimes, one person outgrows the other, because they are more committed to growth than the other. It is pretty complex. One thing though I very much agree with is the idea that in relationships, we are experiencing a mirror of ourselves. When this has been understood, many issues can be dealt with… and beautiful transformations can occur and allow for more depth in the relationship… And I have seen this in relationships that are not yet tied up in wedlock. We live in tricky times.

  2. Vulnerability, communication and (shared) growth might just be the three ingredients missing from failed coupling, Julie. I guess we could turn that around and say that successful coupling by definition must include them, right?

    Marriage definitely does not preclude the kind of infidelitous shenanigans you describe, sadly. The podcast was my attempt at describing an ideal arc of coupling, a kind of architectural blueprint as to how a life with another might proceed. Reality and human foibles often get in the way, as you note.

    Your sentence “It can perhaps help to define and set intentions” is a realistic antidote to my unabashed idealism. I’m not sure that we disagree on what actually happens between people, but the discussion sure is worthwhile.

    I do enjoy chatting with you. Let’s see what I can stir up this weekend!

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