Cut The Grass

Rarely do I gain an insight into the way women work, so this I must share.

On a night out in Vancouver, the group of airline pilots I was with were proving yet again what a set of donkeys they are. Naturally my thoughts turned to finding something smelling a whole lot better, with smarts and softer skin. The two women I started talking to were pretty cute, around the right age and seemed pleased to talk. After a couple of drinks I decided that the younger one with the short hair flipped my lust-switch. Not that the choice was difficult; the friend was Frog-Canuck, and not only unintelligable, but she had a rotten set of Continental teeth as well. Uck, imagine that in the morning.

The next day I got to wondering about how long it takes women to decide if they’d have sex with a particular guy. From first laying eyes on a man, at what point will a woman make up her mind he is worthy of bonking? Fitz (my full-witted airline buddy) and I pondered this on a drive to Whistler. Despite being a master cocksman, even he didn’t know the answer. At a loss, I referred the question to Midwest upon return to Seattle. Without any hesitation, she came out with “Oh, we decide within five seconds.”

Are you kidding? This is a fact that, to men, is a world first. Brought up to believe that women make decisions slowly, with reference to friends, and over a period of agonization, this is a shock. Now I’m discovering that girls have decided whether you are sponge-worthy before you’ve come within earshot. All that bollox about having to woo a girl with wit and charm; all that received wisdom about getting as much neck-oil down her is suddenly utterly irrelevant.

Or is it? The trouble is, men, that it’s not that simple. Apparently the snap decision is either “possibly would” or “definitely wouldn’t” so it’s not like she’s going to jump your bones right there in the bar. You still have to prove yourself. So let’s salvage some of our wit and wisdom, and yes, another round of L’Egopeners for the ladies, thanks.

As with all revelations, this one holds great promise, but also the seed of one’s downfall. If you can find a way to figure out which way the decision has been made when you first meet a woman, you can save yourself loads of time, treasure and talk. But that requires divining what any individual woman is thinking, and as we know, men are ill equipped to do this. The sad truth is that the point at which you have the most likelihood of having sex is before you’ve said a word. Midwest swears that most men talk themselves out of more shags than they’ll ever know. See Rule Five: Shut up. Remember that despite all your lusting after a chick, before you’ve even asked if you can sit down, she knows the final score, the errors made, and who won Most Valuable Player.

Oh, and no, I didn’t get the Canadian. Some bum airline pilot came along and cut my grass. Prick.

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